Bearded Dragons Are the Chillest Pets on Earth

You know how people spend thousands of dollars on meditation retreats trying to achieve inner peace? A bearded dragon was born with it. These scaly little philosophers have figured out something the rest of us haven't: life is best lived horizontally, under a warm lamp, occasionally eating a cricket.

The Art of Doing Absolutely Nothing

A bearded dragon's daily schedule looks something like this: bask, stare, bask, eat one (1) worm, bask, do a single slow head bob, bask, sleep. That's it. That's the whole day. And they are thriving. Meanwhile, you've checked your email forty-seven times before noon and your cortisol levels could power a small city.

The Pancake Move

When a bearded dragon gets really comfortable, they flatten themselves out like a tiny, scaly crepe. This is called "pancaking" and it is the most aggressively relaxed thing any living creature has ever done. They're basically saying, "I am so chill that I have decided to become two-dimensional."

They Have a Third Eye

No, seriously. Bearded dragons have a parietal eye on top of their head that detects light and shadows. So while you're fumbling around for your phone in the dark, your bearded dragon is out here operating with bonus sensory equipment like some kind of zen reptile monk.

Low Maintenance, High Vibes

Dogs need walks. Cats need attention they'll pretend they don't want. Fish need you to feel vaguely guilty every time you walk past their tank. Bearded dragons need a heat lamp, some greens, the occasional bug, and for you to simply respect their process. They don't bark at the mailman. They don't knock things off counters. They just sit there, looking wise, occasionally puffing out their beard to assert dominance over absolutely nothing.

The Verdict

If you want a pet that will never judge your life choices, never demand a 6 a.m. walk, and never once have an anxiety attack during a thunderstorm, get a bearded dragon. They've already figured it all out. The rest of us are just catching up.