How to Survive Bath Time with a Labrador

Labradors love water. They'll jump into lakes, rivers, puddles, and any body of water they encounter with absolute joy. But the bathtub? The bathtub is apparently a war crime. Here's your survival guide.

Preparation Is Everything

Before you even think about running the tap, you need to prepare the bathroom like you're staging a military operation. Remove all towels you care about. Remove all products from reachable shelves. Remove your will to live from the equation -- you won't be needing it.

What you'll need:

• Old clothes you don't mind throwing away afterwards
• At least four towels (you think this is too many; it is not enough)
• High-value treats
• A door that locks from the inside
• Emotional resilience

Phase One: The Approach

Your Labrador knows. They always know. You haven't said the word "bath" but you picked up a towel and walked towards the bathroom and that was enough. They are now under the bed. The bed they haven't fit under since they were four months old. They're under there anyway.

Phase Two: The Negotiation

You've lured them to the bathroom with treats. Good. Now close the door quickly because the moment they see the tub, they will attempt to leave via any exit, including ones that don't exist. A Labrador trying to escape a bathroom will attempt to go through walls.

Phase Three: The Bath

You've got them in the tub. Water is running. They've accepted their fate with the quiet dignity of -- no, they haven't. They're thrashing. There's water on the ceiling. You're soaked. The dog is somehow still dry.

Eventually, through sheer persistence, you'll manage to get them wet and soapy. For approximately ninety seconds, they'll stand still and you'll think "this isn't so bad." This is a trap.

Phase Four: The Shake

There is no force in nature more powerful than a wet Labrador shaking. The water distribution covers a perfect sphere around the dog, reaching surfaces you didn't know your bathroom had. Your glasses are useless. Your clothes are a write-off. The walls look like it rained indoors.

Phase Five: The Escape

The moment you reach for a towel, they're gone. A wet, soapy Labrador moving at full speed through your house is an unstoppable force. They will find carpet. They will find your bed. They will find the one cushion you actually care about.

Was It Worth It?

For about eleven minutes, you'll have a clean, fluffy, lovely-smelling dog. Then they'll find a puddle. Such is life with a Labrador.