The Secret Life of Goldfish

You leave for work at eight in the morning. You return at six in the evening. In between, you assume your goldfish, Gerald, does absolutely nothing. You would be wrong.

8:05 AM -- The Door Closes

Gerald waits exactly thirty seconds after you leave. Then the sunglasses come on. (Metaphorically. He doesn't have ears.) He drifts to the left side of the tank -- the cool side -- and surveys his kingdom.

8:30 AM -- Redecorating

That little castle you bought from the pet shop? Gerald hates it. Every morning, he nudges the gravel around it into a formation he finds more aesthetically pleasing. By the time you get home, it looks the same. That's because Gerald is also a perfectionist who resets everything before you arrive.

10:00 AM -- Philosophical Reflection

Goldfish are deeper thinkers than they get credit for. Gerald spends at least an hour pondering the big questions. Why is the tank round? What lies beyond the glass? Is the cat a god or merely a very large, judgmental observer?

12:00 PM -- Lunch Drama

The automatic feeder dispenses pellets at noon. Gerald pretends he hasn't been staring at it since eleven forty-five. He eats with dignity. Then he eats the pellet that sank to the bottom. Then he eats a bit of plant. Gerald has no self-control at lunch.

2:00 PM -- Fitness Hour

You've seen Gerald swim in circles. You thought it was aimless. It is, in fact, a rigorous cardiovascular programme. Forty laps clockwise, forty laps anticlockwise, and a cool-down drift near the filter. Gerald is in peak physical condition.

4:00 PM -- Staring Contest With the Cat

Every afternoon, Gerald and the cat lock eyes through the glass. Neither blinks. (Gerald can't blink, which gives him a significant tactical advantage.) The cat always looks away first. Gerald remains undefeated.

5:45 PM -- Reset Protocol

Gerald hears your key in the door. The gravel gets nudged back. The casual "I've been here doing nothing all day" face goes on. He does one slow, disinterested lap of the tank.

You tap the glass. Gerald acts surprised, as if he didn't hear you coming from three rooms away.

"Hey buddy," you say. "Did you have a good day?"

Gerald blows a single bubble. Translation: You have no idea.