The Ultimate Guide to Hamster Wheels (A Masterclass in Going Nowhere)

Somewhere in your house, right now, at two o'clock in the morning, a creature weighing less than a mobile phone is running the equivalent of a half marathon. It will do this every single night. It will never get anywhere. It has never questioned this arrangement.

We could all learn something from hamsters. Probably.

Choosing the Right Wheel

Size matters. A wheel that's too small will cause your hamster to arch its back, which is bad for its spine and makes it look like a tiny, furious croissant. The general rule: Syrian hamsters need at least a 28cm wheel. Dwarf hamsters can manage 20cm. If your hamster looks like it's running uphill at all times, the wheel is too small.

Silent wheels exist, and they will save your sanity. The default hamster wheel sounds like a shopping trolley being dragged across a car park. At 3 a.m. Every night. Invest in a silent spinner. Your sleep is worth the extra tenner.

Mesh wheels are the enemy. Those wire-rung wheels from the 1990s are a toe-trap nightmare. Solid surface wheels only, please. Your hamster's tiny feet will thank you, though not verbally, because they are a hamster.

The Nightly Routine

Here is what your hamster does every evening, without fail:

1. Wake up at approximately the least convenient hour.
2. Eat an amount of food that seems physically impossible for their size.
3. Mount the wheel with the determination of an Olympic athlete.
4. Run at full speed for four to six hours straight.
5. Stop abruptly, as though they've just remembered something.
6. Eat again.
7. Return to the wheel.

This cycle continues until dawn, at which point they collapse into their bedding like a tiny, exhausted commuter and sleep for fourteen hours.

The Philosophical Question

Why does the hamster run? It is not being chased. There is no destination. The food is right there in the bowl. And yet, night after night, the wheel spins.

Some say it's instinct -- wild hamsters cover enormous distances foraging. Others say it's boredom. But I prefer to think the hamster simply enjoys the run.

After all, plenty of humans pay good money for a gym membership and a treadmill. At least the hamster's is free.